Top Ten Reasons Why Valentine's Day Can Go Suck One

My anniversary is February 16th. Seventeen years ago that sounded like a really romantic idea--getting married Valentine's weekend. Someone should've warned me that for the rest of our lives our anniversary would be ruined. And here's why:

1) Restaurants are packed. They all have these stupid 2-for-1 specials and they all have cheesy names like "Lovers' Delight" or "Romance and Roses" or "Sweetheart's Special," when what they should be called is "We put together this dinner of mediocre cow flesh and dried out lobster and threw some watered down cheap sparkling wine with it and called it champagne in an attempt to make your girlfriend think you care about her when all you really want is to get into her pants." Thank you. That'll be fifty dollars, plus tip.

2) Flowers, especially the completely unimaginative red roses, are three times their normal price, and everyone is desperately trying to score the biggest bouquets. But here's a newsflash: in four days they'll be just as dead as the cheap cellophane-wrapped dyed carnations you can get at the quicky-mart. For a fraction of the price. And at the quicky-mart you could pick up milk and bread and dishwash detergent, which would probably make your wife much happier than the stupid roses anyway.

3) Kids' Valentine's Cards. Like I need more paper brought into my house that my kids don't want to part with. I already have to sneak their school papers into the trash when they're in bed so they won't see the evidence.

4) Candy. Valentine's Day should officially change its name to The Holiday where New Year's Resolutions Go to Die. Dieters all over the country who have been exercising diligently and counting carbs since January 1 suddenly start scarfing chocolate like there's no tomorrow. Kids are on a permanent sugar high. God forbid your child should get a stomach virus after eating his weight in red-dyed candy at his class Valentine's party. Trust me when I tell you that that red dye does NOT come out of beige carpet. I spent my anniversary last year wrestling with a rented steam cleaner trying to accomplish that impossible feat.

5) Desperation. Husbands who take their wives to dinner out of obligation instead of romance. Wives pathetically trying to pretend to feel the magic when they're really wondering if they'll be home from dinner in time to watch ER and pack the kids' lunches for school the next day. Boyfriends desperate to impress their dates with red boxes of heart-shaped chocolate and goofy stuffed animals. Single girls who start thinking that toothless, pot-bellied, Bubba--the bagger at WalMart with the nicotine-stained fingers who asks his buddies to pull said stained finger when he passes gas--is looking pretty good because even a date with Bubba is better than not having a date on Valentine's Day. Ugh. Better to just stay home and eat a bag of microwave popcorn for dinner and scrub out the bathtub.

6) Hallmark, American Greetings, and anyone who kills trees to print those cheesy cards that will end up in the landfill by March. Especially the ones with glitter. *Shudder* I HATE glitter. Yeah guys, tell your woman you love her by giving her something that gets into the carpet and never vacuums out. But, woe be unto you if you don't get your woman a card, right guys? Poor ba$tards. I really feel sorry for you. I do.

7) Underwear. Have you walked through the underwear section at WalMart or Target lately? Save yourself. Don't do it. The average American woman does not have the kind of figure required to wear those little lacy red thongs with the rhinestone heart in the back. And she shouldn't try. It's not Playboy. And the guys don't escape this humiliation either. Have you seen those pouches? The little black ones with red hearts or kiss prints on the front and nothing but floss in back? My guy is fine, but I don't want him wearing those undies. Ever.

8) Stuffed animals and cheap jewelry with hearts. Thank you, I'm not twelve years old.

9) Valentine's Day shirts, hairbows, and cheesy merchandise which the retailers push on us this time of year. But I will admit to buying myself a really cute pair of socks at Dollar Tree, so I guess I'm guilty of supporting the Valentine's products industry. But the socks are so cute--they're red and pink and white with the word KISS all over them. Oh man, I'm even falling prey to the madness.

10) The idea that romance is something that has to be bought. The Valentine's products marketed to make men feel guilty for not making some kind of meaningless gesture just because the calendar says it's February 14th. It's much more romantic to buy flowers when it's unexpected, just because it's , say, June 11th. Frankly, I'd rather have some help around the house than flowers. Empty the dishwasher and I'll swoon. Mop the floor and I'm in ecstasy. What can I say, I'm turned on by the smell of Windex.

So, Happy Valentine's Day everybody. Guys, skip the expensive perfume and go clean something. Woman, don't be too hard on your man. He's doing the best he can. To quote Tammy Wynette, "Cause, after all, he's just a man." Stand by him. Valentine's Day will be over soon.