Tuesday, June 3, 2008

An open letter to the owners of the house I looked at yesterday:

Look here, people. My house is currently on the market too, so I know what you're going through. But here's a little advice for you: when people make an appointment to see your house, they don't want to look at your bras hanging in the laundry room, your nasty hairball in the bathtub, your dirty, milky, cereal bowls in the sink, and your kids' toys all over the house.

That's free of charge. You're welcome.

See, because here's what we've done to get our house ready to show:

  • painted my bathroom (very, very well) and re-caulked everything
  • cleaned all the baseboards
  • organized every cabinet, drawer, and closet
  • re-painted the kitchen baseboards
  • touched up any scratches or gouges in the walls
  • replaced all the loose tiles in the kitchen
  • weeded and mulched all the landscaping
  • planted $100 worth of bushes since I let the old ones die in last year's drought
  • fixed the ice-maker, the dryer, the closet doors, and the top stair spindle
  • painted the fence
  • stained the deck
  • removed all the crappy plastic toys from our backyard
  • trimmed the trees
  • power-washed the siding
  • had a yard sale to get rid of clutter
  • replaced the toilet seats (because I have boys. Enough said.)
  • washed the windows
  • fixed the nail pops in the ceiling
  • removed the dead bugs from the fluorescent light in the kitchen
  • polished my front door, put up a new wreath, and put new flowers in the window box
  • cleaned out the oven, microwave, and refrigerator
  • spot-cleaned the carpet (I still need to steam clean it)
  • paid a contractor to replace the rotten wood around the garage door (He's doing that right now.)
  • convinced my kids to get rid of some toys
  • convinced my husband to organize his music room
You don't appear to have done any of those things, yet you're getting showings. Your house is dirty, ugly, and smells of cat pee. Yet, I looked at it and tried to keep an open mind.

And do you know how many people have come to see my house? Zero. Zip. Nada.

I hate you.

But I'm not bitter.


Midas said...

LOL. I hope this isn't for real, but then again, it's quite funny.

How far are you moving to?

Have you read The Rest of Her Life?

Shelly Conn said...

Oh my goodness!! Hairball in the bathtub??? That is no way to present your home. I don't blame you for being disgusted with them.

Teble said...

Shoshana, I'm totally serious. Not even exaggerating a tiny bit. Don't even get me started about the weeds all over the yard, the fence that needs repair, the grass that needs to be mowed, the garage full of crappy yard sale leftovers, the awful paint job in the kitchen, the rotten wood around the front door....