Sunday, March 16, 2008

Wacky Mushroom Trips?

I've been exhausted for a week. I was blaming it on the Spring Forward time change, but now I know it's something else entirely. I've been falling asleep really early, only to wake up in the middle of the night unable to fall back to sleep. I've also been having these totally trippy psychedelic dreams all week. Here's just a small sampling of those dreams, the ones I can remember:

1) My husband put in a bid on a two million dollar lake front home. Yeah. Because that's the kind of house we can afford on my salary teaching preschool part time and his considerably larger--but not that large--salary managing a retail store. This house was down the street from my parents' house and, get this, the seller--an artist--offered to custom paint the boys' rooms for me before we moved in.

2) My youngest child was left behind on a field trip to downtown Nashville. And I was one of the chaperones.

3) I went to my job interview for a teaching position but the principal said I was overqualified and offered to step aside so I could have his job. HA!

4) This is my personal favorite. We were back at my grandparents' old house--where they haven't lived for nearly fifteen years--for Christmas. My dad called me over to look out the window that overlooks the driveway to show me my present. He'd bought me a motorcycle so that I could save on fuel since gas prices are so high.

Yeah. It gets better.

He'd gotten a really good deal on my bike--a two-for-one deal in fact--and bought himself a matching bike. There was a pink camouflage helmet hanging from the handlebars on mine. I looked at him and said, "Um, Dad? That's great and I love the helmet and everything, but...where are my kids supposed to ride?" I never get to go anywhere without my children, so this just struck me as hilarious and I started to laugh. Dad got his feelings hurt and stomped off. He refused to speak to me, or even look at me, for the rest of the day.

No, I haven't been drinking battery acid or eating wild mushrooms or smoking the wacky tobacky this week. Or, you know, EVER. I haven't even eaten anything spicy. I started tracing back through the week, trying to think of anything I've been doing differently. And then I remembered that I bought some new multivitamins and started taking them last weekend. I got the One A Day Weight Smart Advanced vitamins, thinking that it would help with my diet while providing all my nutrient needs. In an oval at the top of the label it says, "With Energy Support." I knew that they have guarana, green tea powder, cayenne pepper powder and all sorts of vitamins and minerals in them, but have you guessed what else they have?

Yep, caffeine. In fact, right under the ingredients in tiny bold print it says, "This product contains about as much caffeine as a cup of coffee." Well, DUH! No wonder it wakes me up in the middle of the night and makes me have weird, hallucinogenic dreams. It also contains soy, which means I probably shouldn't be taking it because of my thyroid condition.

Who knew that one little green vitamin could cause so much trouble. But maybe if I took the principal's job I could afford that two million dollar house? No, I'd probably get fired for leaving a child behind. And for strapping my kids to the back of my hog on my way to work.

Sigh. That helmet would've been cool.


Shelly Conn said...

This is the funniest post I have read in a while Teble. I love ya.

Shoshana said... least when you're exhasted you get funny dreams.

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