My Legs

Well it's that time of year again--shorts season. Or Capris which Lanie just adores. Ha! Apparently in New Zealand they have what's called a Fashion Sense and nobody wears capris anymore. But here in Tennessee we all wear them and happily flaunt our calves. Lani just did a deep body shudder thinking about that.

Anyway, as an Undertall Person with chunky white girl legs, I dread this time of year. My legs are very unattractive. Okay let's be frank: they're just plain ugly. I have many features with which I'm displeased but, unlike my other unattractive features, the stems were not that great even before I had children. We'll get to those body parts later in the week.

Back to the legs....

I don't suntan because of the whole skin cancer thing, but I also don't use tanning beds, lotions or spray-on tans because I don't want to be Marge Simpson-colored. My legs are so white and pasty that I want to wear pantyhose to hide them, but even I know better than to wear pantyhose with sandals or other open-toed shoes. Yesterday at church I saw a woman wearing hose with sandals. Not just any hose either. These had some kind of heavily reinforced NASA spacesuit fabric with seams right across the top of her toes. If this had been a friend of mine I'd have said, "Oh honey, gimme your kids while you duck into the Ladies' and remove those foul pantyhose at once." But, alas, she was not A Friend but just A Person I Know so I had to politely ignore the travesty of fashion that was her lower extremities.

That was hard. Like letting someone walk around with spinach in her teeth.

I'm only five two and a half so I don't wear heels a lot. I mean, what's the point? Even with them I'm still short. What I gain in height doesn't make up for the complete lack of coordination I also gain when I wear high heels. If I stood completely still my legs might look better in certain shoes but the minute I take a step (or fall on my face when I try to take a step) that illusion is shattered.

Beyond exercising to tone up the gams and losing a few pounds (which I'm already working on) what can a pale, petite Southern girl do to make her legs ready for summer?