Tuesday, April 8, 2008

The Rest of Me

I should start this blog with the warning that there's about to be a whole bunch of whining.

Wow, you're still here? Brave little thing, aren't you?

Well yesterday I talked about my less than glamorous legs. Today we'll discuss the rest of me. The parts that were affected by childbirth, nursing, and a steady diet of Teddy Grahams and French fries for the last few years.

First off, the big onion. No matter how much I diet and exercise I will never, ever have a small bottom. Ever. Even when I was a pom-pon girl in high school and weighed 98 pounds I had junk in my trunk. Lots and lots of junk. I got it from my mom's side of the family. In honor of my grandmother's maiden name we affectionately refer to it as the Mahoney Baloney. I come from a long line of fat-bottomed girls. But you know what Queen said... we make the rockin' world go 'round. Luckily I married a man who appreciates a good badonkadonk.

Next up, the belly. Women who are five foot two and a half were not meant to give birth to TWO eight and a half pound babies. Seriously. Skin just doesn't stretch like that and NOT leave something to show for it. Me, I've got stretch marks that look like a Rand-McNally road map. I was not meant to deliver little fuzzy blond children with heads the size of basketballs. So I had two C-sections. Let me tell you now, once that muscle is cut it doesn't EVER recover without the assistance of macrobiotics and a live-in personal trainer--neither of which I can afford on my salary as a part-time preschool teacher.

But I shouldn't complain. My friend's first baby weighed something like eleven pounds. Forget the forceps, that child needed the Jaws of Life to get out. Honey, there's not enough drugs in the world for that. Every woman reading this blog just duct-taped her thighs together in sympathy, horror, and an attempt to never let this happen to her. But, intrepid explorer-type parent that she is, she went and made a girl-child a few short months later. I haven't decided if that means she's really brave or if she was really drunk at conception. Wow. I didn't include her name just in case she doesn't want to share this with the entire internet, but she can out herself here if she chooses. You know who you are and you're my hero.

We won't talk about "the girls" again because, as Charlotte pointed out, I did that a few months ago when I went bra shopping. Let's just say that, no matter what your cup size is, when you nurse for 18 months of your life: gravity is not your friend. I'm still a solid supporter of breast-feeding for those moms like me who want to do it, but Oh Heavenly Day the gravity, she is a cruel and vicious force of nature. Maybe if I lived on the moon I'd still have high, perky hooters, but sadly I'm earth-bound.

The upper arms were not victims of child-rearing but a significant lack of weight training for the last, um, approximately seventy-gajillion months of my life. I'm seeing a lot of long-sleeves in my future when I go back into teaching. There's nothing worse than feeling the arm flab sway in the breeze when you're erasing the board.

Anybody else wanna join the body image pity party? Share your least favorite body part with us. Well, you don't have to share it, because that would be weird, just tell us what it is. We promise not to laugh.



Shelly said...

You have done great with your diet and you look wonderful. Beautiful inside and out.
NO ONE on this Earth can have children and say that they feel like they still have everything where it was before. You are always active and are working on your diet and that is AWESOME!! I definitely don't think there is anything wrong with having some cush in the tush either.

Tanya Michaels said...

>>>I haven't decided if that means she's really brave or if she was really drunk at conception

ROFL. Or, and I'm just guessing here, maybe it took such a long time to conceive baby #1 that they were caught off guard the second time around.

I stand on my former comment that there's not a thing wrong with the way you look...however, I feel your pain on the stretch marks and C sections! I am finally, finally getting in shape after back to back babies and sitting on my butt for back to back book deadlines. It's been exciting to lose weight (over 30 pounds and counting) but it's also disappointing to work this hard and know that there are two things I can't fix no matter how disciplined I am with the exercise or weight watchers points. My husband tried to console me that, besides me, he's the only one who will really ever see those flaws. But he's the person I most enjoy looking nice for!

Tanya, who thinks badonkadonk is so much fun to say that it should be used in all conversations

lanie/tart said...

Well, I think you have a lovely wee figure (from the pics I have seen on SEP board).

I've struggled with body image and my weight all my life. I am fat. I will never be skinny. I will never be 5' 10 and 52kg (my dream LOL).

I've lost a fair bit of weight this year (over 35kg) but am still not 100% happy.

I hate my short fat legs (never wear capri's or shorts or short skirts). I hate my flabby batwing upper arms (never wear sleeveless tops) and I hate my pouchy fat belly (can't blame babies for that, must be all those Tim Tams I ate LOL). I have a love/hate relationship with my giant boobs. The love is more from my boyfriend's perspective LOL. I hate them when I can't find cute bras in my size (and that don't look like they could be used as parachutes by soldiers!).

Writer & Cat said...

My least favorite body part these days is the two year old attachment that clings to various parts of my anatomy, screaming and drooling, when I'm trying to write.

That and the swags of excess post-birthing skin on my stomach that drape down and... Well, that's probably sufficient description.


april said...

I actually got confused and read the queen and not Queen which is totally different.

Anyway, I can't say there is anything I care to change about my body. I'd like to be 5 pounds less, but I'm really ok where I am. I'm about the size and weight I was before Baby. I'm about 5 pounds less actually. If I could miraculously change anything, I'd love to be taller with slightly larger feet. On some days, I'd like bigger breasts, but if they didn't get bigger while pregnant and breastfeeding, they're certainly not going to without surgery and there's NO WAY that's happening. I was pretty lucky and have no stretch marks. I do still have the line down my belly, but it's very faint. However, I still have shaving scars from years ago so go figure. Oh, I do wish I had better eyesight. That's a big one. Overall, I can't complain. Nothing good clothes, a good bra and heels can't hide.

Pat said...

I still say the weight gained with granchildren is harder to lose than the weight gained in childbirth. I can also tell you that when you get to be over 50 you realy don't give a sh..oot! You are just happy to be able to get out of bed and spend time doing and eating stuff you like.