Monday, April 7, 2008

My Legs

Well it's that time of year again--shorts season. Or Capris which Lanie just adores. Ha! Apparently in New Zealand they have what's called a Fashion Sense and nobody wears capris anymore. But here in Tennessee we all wear them and happily flaunt our calves. Lani just did a deep body shudder thinking about that.

Anyway, as an Undertall Person with chunky white girl legs, I dread this time of year. My legs are very unattractive. Okay let's be frank: they're just plain ugly. I have many features with which I'm displeased
but, unlike my other unattractive features, the stems were not that great even before I had children. We'll get to those body parts later in the week.

Back to the legs....

I don't suntan because of the whole skin cancer thing, but I also don't use tanning beds, lotions or spray-on tans because I don't want to be Marge Simpson-colored. My legs are so white and pasty that I want to wear pantyhose to hide them, but even I know better than to wear pantyhose with sandals or other open-toed shoes. Yesterday at church I saw a woman wearing hose with sandals. Not just any hose either. These had some kind of heavily reinforced NASA spacesuit fabric with seams right across the top of her toes. If this had been a friend of mine I'd have said, "Oh honey, gimme your kids while you duck into the Ladies' and remove those foul pantyhose at once." But, alas, she was not A Friend but just A Person I Know so I had to politely ignore the travesty of fashion that was her lower extremities.

That was hard. Like letting someone walk around with spinach in her teeth.

I'm only five two and a half so I don't wear heels a lot. I mean, what's the point? Even with them I'm still short. What I gain in height doesn't make up for the complete lack of coordination I also gain when I wear high heels. If I stood completely still my legs might look better in certain shoes but the minute I take a step (or fall on my face when I try to take a step) that illusion is shattered.

Beyond exercising to tone up the gams and losing a few pounds (which I'm already working on) what can a pale, petite Southern girl do to make her legs ready for summer?




9 comments:

Three Fold Cord said...

I was fully expecting a picture of the legs so we could decide for ourselves. Not that we would really tell you if they were as bad as you said but we could in a real polite way say...stay with the capris or try some board shorts. Looking forward to the rest of the body part series, though I think you already did one on "the girls" a couple of months ago.

Tanya Michaels said...

Okay, first of all - LOL. Your posts never fail to entertain. That said, however, you're completely adorable and I fail to see how any of you is "unattractive." I for one would be happy to look like you! And points on avoiding the whole skin cancer thing...

Tanya, another pasty Southern gal

cori said...

Move to Wisconsin..no seriously. They got some snow today. YOu would never be expected to wear shorts there.

Dan said...

I think you are beautiful and I wouldn't change a thing about you, except you might show more patience and adoration toward your loving husband. I'll love you always.


disclaimer: this message has not been checked for any grammatical errors by my wife

Anonymous said...

Kudos to the dh for the sweet comment.

Change what you can, accept what you can't change. That's the mantra I use for myself.

Seppie Reader

Teble said...

>>>disclaimer: this message has not been checked for any grammatical errors by my wife

Like I'd point them out after you said something nice. :-)

I wasn't fishing for leg compliments, but thanks for adding a few. Except for Cori who apparently wants me to move away. Far, far away. Should I take offense to that?

Shelly said...

You have done great with your diet and you look wonderful. Beautiful inside and out.
NO ONE on this Earth can have children and say that they feel like they still have everything where it was before. You are always active and are working on your diet and that is AWESOME!! I definitely don't think there is anything wrong with having some cush in the tush either.

Lanie/tart said...

Capri pants... *faints* LOL.

Yes, I have a pathological hatred of them. But if you like 'em, wear 'em. I just reserve the right to think your short legs will look stumpier LOL :P

PS. I think it's cool that your DH reads your blog. If my BF ever found mine and read it, I think there'd be some issues (all that David Beckham worship would tip him over the edge LOL).

Writer & Cat said...

Practice your uppercut so you can punch anyone who looks at your glorious natural skin coloring askance. It's what I have done for years, and I haven't had to go to jail yet.

Jody