Monday, May 26, 2008

Sassy AND Handy

In my continued quest to fix everything I've been meaning to fix in and around my house for YEARS so that the NEXT owner will enjoy it thoroughly, I got my handy on today and filled a gap where the side of our porch meets the foundation.

By the way, is anyone else horrified by the VAST length of that first sentence? Is it just me?

I mixed up some gray mortar mix in an old Publix watermelon container (because I was too cheap to buy the special buckets they sell at Home Depot for that purpos
e--hey, recycle, reduce, reuse, right?) and got to work. Do ya'll know that stuff sets up FAST? I mean, really fast! I only mixed a small amount at a time because I knew that it would get hard kind of fast, but dang! That got hard faster than a teenager with his first Victoria's Secret catalog.

Snicker, snicker. Sorry, totally inappropriate. Giggle, giggle.

I should mention how lovely I looked at the time I was doing all this work. I was sporting the same painting hairstyle I wore a few weeks ago (the bunched up ponytail with the shorter pieces pulled up in a tiny clip. I'm too sexy for my hair.). No makeup, allergy-red eyes, baggy lime-green shorts, my blue Arctic Edge vacation bible school T-shirt with paint splatters on it, and navy blue flip-flops. I was stylin'!

But, lest you think I'm letting my sassy slip now that school is out, I was also wearing these...

See? Veeerrrrry sassy. And available at a Linens N Things near you. Or online. Hey, I have to plug my husband's store whenever I can. I've got two kids to put through college someday, people!

I was impressed by how good it looked when I was finished because my technique left something to be desired. It can best be described as "hurry up and shove big globs of gray cookie-dough textured goop into the crack before it solidifies into concrete." That's not what the directions on the bag say, but you know, maybe they should.

Hey, that's it! I should write instruction manuals for women! Forget this whole teaching gig I just landed--I should totally write How-To guides for women. Grace and I could go into business together and become mega-millionaires. That's way better than our last get-rich-quick scheme: selling preschool lesson plans out of the trunk of my car at the Bell Road exit in Antioch. Somehow we never quite worked out the kinks on that plan.

Well, until I can write up that business proposal, I'm going to get back to my house-selling punchlist. Next up, figure out how to get the housing for my kitchen fluorescent light open so I can remove all the bug carcasses inside it. Because, somehow, I don't think potential buyers will find the insect cemetary appetizing in their new kitchen. Go figure.

But I will wear my pink Casabella gloves while doing it. Because I am both sassy AND handy. Yep, that's me.

*****Update to add:

I managed to debug the kitchen light AND fix the flusher on the boys' potty (even though that was on DAN'S list) so, yeah, I totally rock. I just hope the massive thunderstorm we're having doesn't wash away all the mortar mix I so carefully *snort* applied this morning.


Grace said...

I think the Bell Road plan would have worked better with kinks . . . I'm just saying;)

Shelly Conn said...

I think your brave for attempting the cement project! You are a handy girl!!! :) Good job!

Sanna said...

OMG, Teble! Sometimes you crack me up. I love your sense of humour and your way of writing. You are so talented.
How many of your manuscripts have you sold so far?!

Love, Sanna