I admit it--I'm a Scrooge. Christmas time is hard for me because I look around and see so much waste and stress and overeating and just, ARGH, busy-ness that it makes me wonder what Jesus would think about the way we celebrate HIS birthday. I refuse to be one of those people who maxes out her credit cards going into debt to buy cheap plastic action figures that will be broken or forgotten by March but I'll still be paying interest on in freakin' June!
So in the interest of maintaining my Scrooge-y reputation, here's a list (in no particular order) of the worst holiday songs in history. Feel free to leave comments if you agree. Or, heck, even if you disagree because I can take it.
1) Christmas Shoes--Oh my gosh, is there anything more maudlin than this song? "Sir I need to buy these shoes for my mama because she's going to meet Jesus soon and I think some red stiletto 'do me' heels would be really appropriate when she meets her savior." Oh barf. I'm depressed enough at the holidays--I sure don't need MORE things to make me cry.
2) The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)--Or, really, anything by those vile chipmunks. If God had intended for rodents to sing he'd have given them real voices. Simon, Theodore, and Alvin must die.
3) All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth--(Lord help me, more chipmunks) Well whoever knocked them out for you didn't hit you hard enough because you're still singing!!
4) Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer--This song just perpetuates the belief that everyone in the South is a barefoot, cousin-marryin', pick-up drivin', egg-nog swillin' Nascar fan.
5) The Little Drummer Boy--also known as The Longest, Most Monotonous, Repetitive Song in History, but that title didn't sell well. The one and only exception to this rule is the Bing/Bowie version just because, well, it's Bing Crosby. He could sing my grocery list and I'd listen. I LOVE this version because it veers so far away from the original Drummer Boy drivel that it's beautiful. When Bowie belts out the "Peace on Earth" part in his lovely high voice while Bing is "Rum Pum Pum Pumming" in his buttery low voice...well, I get chills. But every other version of this song is unbearable.
6) Jingle Bells (as sung by Barbra Streisand)--Wow. Smoke crack much, Babs? My kids heard this and said, "What's wrong with her? She's singing WAY too fast." Exactly.
7) I'm Gettin' Nuttin' for Christmas--Stupid song, no matter who sings it.
8) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (as sung by Wayne Newton)--Okay, so he was a kid when he did it, but still.
9) Dominic the Donkey--What the heck were these people thinking? There are no words. My mind is boggled.
10) Oh Holy Night (as sung by Cher)--It's pretty bad when even Paul Shaffer makes fun of the way you sing.
I'm sure there are more, but I'll save them for another day. As Clarice (Rudolph's girlfriend) would say, "There's Always Tomorrow...."