Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Roller Coaster that is My Life

What a difference a few hours can make. This weekend has been a whirlwind from the depths of mediocrity to the soaring heights of swankiness. I think I have whiplash.

Friday morning: I was at school conducting science experiments with my twenty students and six parent volunteers, covered in Gluep and ice cream ingredients. Two different experiments, just so you know. The kids ate the ice cream and played with the Gluep and not the other way around because I prefer to keep my job instead of poisoning my little pumpkins (most days, anyway). I had permanently green fingernails from food coloring and white streaks of borax on my black pants. There was a lingering smell of Mexican vanilla extract everywhere I went. I was the epitome of a dowdy, frumpy schoolteacher. And then the bell rang and I turned into Wonder Woman. If only I'd had her invisible plane and her smokin' hot outfit.

Friday night: In the hour and a half after school ended I raced home, walked the dog, fixed my hair, changed my clothes, touched-up my makeup, and drove across town in rush hour traffic--a drive that takes mere mortals an hour to complete but I did it in about 35 minutes. Only ninety minutes after locking my classroom door I was sipping free wine (which everyone knows is the best-tasting wine) and enjoying a five course dining experience at an AFLAC banquet with Dan. Here's the menu..

tomato bisque
(which one of the guests at our table proclaimed tasted just like Chef Boyaredee canned pasta sauce, but I liked it--probably because I have very plebeian tastes and I like Chef Boyardee)

(one of those fancy salads with everything but the kitchen sink thrown in and in which they very pretentiously list all the exotic greens that nobody's ever heard of and can't pronounce)

(which is a fancy EYE-talian word for a palate cleanser between courses)
lime sorbet
(which tasted like a cross between a frozen margarita and a key lime pie--two of my most favoritest things on God's green earth. Honestly, this was my favorite course of the whole evening. Too bad they only gave us about a tablespoon of it.)

filet mignon with lump crabmeat and Bernaise sauce
some kind of fancy potatoes
(that I forgot the name of but they tasted like herbed- and spiced-up instant mashed taters)
steamed asparagus
(which I'm sure made everybody's pee smell funny later, but tasted delicious)

Crème brulée
(which was extremely disappointing because it tasted like runny, watered-down Jell-O Vanilla pudding mix that had been burned on top--and even my tastes aren't plebeian enough for that)

The most important feature was the open bar, which I visited frequently throughout the night. After dinner an 80s rock band played (WAY too loudly--or maybe I'm just getting old) and we danced until midnight, which I'm dearly paying for today. Day Girl wanted to lodge a formal complaint against Night Girl's abuse of their shared thigh muscles while seeing "how low she could go" dancing to Play That Funky Music White Boy. Because I'm classy like that. Day Girl insists that Night Girl should stretch thoroughly before the next evening of debauchery.

What was I wearing? I'm so glad you asked.

Since I'm a complete and total cheapskate, I wore my mom's neighbor's recent hand-me-downs: a Banana Republic skirt and top. It doesn't sound very dressy, but it totally worked when I put it all together. It was a fitted white waffle-textured button-down dressy business shirt with wide French cuffs, which I fastened with some really sparkly vintage silver and rhinestone cuff links. The skirt was straight and black with slits that ended a few inches above my knee (all the better to dance with, my dear). I started the evening with sheer hose, but got a runner about five minutes after arriving at the hotel so I was bare-legged for the evening (all the better to develop blisters on my feet while dancing, my dear).

I completed my ensemble with black shoes that had shiny leopard print pointy toes and heels, a silver and black chain belt (that almost injured a few people when the extra length of links flung around every time I swung my hips--which I did a lot of) and sparkly (BLING-tastic) rhinestone earrings and necklace.

It was fun, but fast-forward a few hours for another big change.

Saturday: I worked at school for four hours, then came home and graded papers for another four hours. I also did eight loads of laundry and shuffled kids around to their various social engagements.

I think I prefer last night's blisters and disappointing Crème brulée to today's drudgery. I could really use some more of that lime sorbet--with a little tequila.

1 comment:

Shelly Conn said...

You are wonder woman :) I love it that you got out and had a big time dancing the other night! That's the Teble I know and love!