Sunday, August 31, 2008


I found this over at Shannon's blog, Rocks in My Dryer, and it made me laugh. Any time you get a bunch of moms together for any length of time the conversation invariably turns to the topic How I Gave Birth. So now we can share it with all of the blogosphere.

How long were your labors?

Kid #1, 26 hours. He still takes forever to get ready to go somewhere.

Kid #2, about six hours, I think. Honestly, it was all a blur of pain and my then three year old singing the theme song from Zoboomafoo at the top of his lungs from his car seat while Dan drove through a rainy construction zone at midnight to get me to the hospital.

How did you know you were in labor?

Kid #1, I was induced because I was suffering from HELLP syndrome. Then my water broke in the hospital bed in the middle of the night.

Kid #2, Horrible pain which started while shopping for groceries at Kroger. No one told me it would feel like I was extremely constipated. I didn't know I was in labor--I just thought I needed more fiber.

Where did you deliver?

Kid #1, Centennial Women's Hospital. Where I didn't have an epidural correctly inserted into my spinal cavity until the very last minute. Then I slept through the delivery. Then I threw up on the operating table. Good times.

Kid #2, Baptist Hospital. They have really good painkillers in post-op. Unfortunately I found out that I was allergic to most of them. Is it any wonder I stopped at two children?


Yes, please. Oh, you mean did I take them then? Heck yeah, sister. They kinda frown on doing a C-section without them. Although I came close with Kid #1.


Um, yeah. I'm 5'2" and both my kids were eight and a half pounds. You do the math. Kid #1 refused to come out. He always has been stubborn.

Kid #2 has his father's sense of direction. He was trying to come out sideways. The triage nurse checked me and felt his ribs.

Who delivered?

Doctors. No underwater births with midwives and New Age music for me. I thought that's what I wanted when I was pregnant with Kid #1, but after the first 20 hours of labor I said, "I don't care what you have to do, just get this thing out of me."

The doctor for the first kid was awful. Just awful. She had very rough hands during every examination for the entire pregnancy. When she pulled the screaming little monster out of me she held him aloft over my head, dripping blood on my face. Then she didn't notice when I couldn't get the oxygen mask off my face to throw up because my arms were weighted down with 80 pounds of warm blankets in a failed attempt to keep me from violently shivering during the operation.

The second one was the on-call doctor because it was 1:18 in the morning. I liked her so much I made her my regular doctor after that night. She fixed the horrible scar that the other doctor left behind after the first C-section.

Wow. Is this blog great birth control for women who haven't had kids yet, or what?

Share your Labor Day story if you want. Check out some others at Shannon's blog if you dare. (Insert maniacal laughter here.)


Laurie said...

I like your writing style - funny! I will say though that I'm just under 5'2" and gave birth vaginally to a 9lb 9oz baby, so it is possible!!

Pat said...

Oh let's see... with you I was barely 17 and already 2 weeks late. Your Dad decided to go and watch his brother play baseball about and hour away and I was trying to fix a nice dinner for his return. I started labor about noon. I would lay on my side on the couch and pant then get up to peel potatoes, turn the frying chicken, mix the cake batter, etc; you get the picture. I had been in labor for 5 hours by the time he returned home. I told him to hurry and eat we needed to get to the hospital. His reply was, "Are you sure you are in labor? We need to call my mom because she will want to go with us." She needed time to eat and change clothes first. We owned a VW Bug at the time and she didn't want to sit in the back seat, so my big belly and I got in the back. We finally got to the hospital around 8:30 PM and my labor stopped. If you could have heard Nanny you would have thought I did it on purpose. The nuns (it was a Catholic Hospital) decided to keep me anyway. Back then you got shaved and an enima, so I received those nice gifts and was put in the green ugly labor room. Then the fun began. I am barely 17, alone, in awful pain, my Mom is stationed in the Philippines, your Dad is sitting with his mom, the nun comes in to tell me that Nanny wants me to quit yelling and cussing because I might saare the other patients. I informed them that they were nuns which meant they had never had NONE and had no idea what I was going through and to tell my HUSABND to get his ass in here! After that they finally knocked me out. Back then you didn't get the drugs that let you stay awake without pain it was completely out or nothing. You came around 11:20 that eveing. Once Nanny saw we had a girl my loud cussing was forgiven. When we got home 3 days later the food I fixed for dinner was still in the kitchen; I guess no one had time to clean it up!
With your brother I started labor around 3:30 in the morning, you came in around 5:30 and wanted to know why I was laying on the floor, I told you to wake your Dad it was time for us to go get your baby. Once again we had to wait on Nanny to get ready and meet us at the hospital, because kids couldn't go in hosptials then. Lucky me, she had to stay at her house with you and not at the hospital with me. The DR broke my water and then after the exam said "I wish I hadn't done that." As it turns out Mike was turned backwards and they gave me meds to "Twilight Sleep" so that I wouldn't be in pain while he turned around. During one of my awake moments I found your dad and the nurse having a wonderful talk; they had gone to school together. I yelled at him to get over to me I was then one in pain and needed ice. Next thing I know it is 10:30 AM and Mike was born. Drugs are a good thing when birthing kids, they aren't bad while raising them through the teenage years either!

jamie in rose cottage said...

Yeah, we should send all the teen girls to read these posts; that'll scare them out of premarital relations! My teenage neice was in the room when I gave birth--with no drugs!

Teble said...

Okay Laurie, now you're just showing off. Just kidding! You're amazing. What I failed to mention, however, is that my husband comes from a long line of giant-headed people. Seriously. Both of my kids were in the 99% percentile for head circumference. Meaning they had heads roughly the size of an adult rhinoceros. Or maybe a triceratops.

Mom, all I can say is...well, I can't say it. I can't talk about your MIL like that. I still can't believe no one bothered to clean the kitchen. Gosh, how that must've stunk!

Love the picture of sailing Izzy.

Shelly Conn said...

You know all of my birthing stories about my girl and two boys. I think we talked about them all out to dinner w/ Marian that night it was snowing. (We need to all get out for dinner again. :)
Sarah - 6 hours
J.C. - 2 hours
Isaac - 7 hours

Anonymous said...

You (& Your Mom!) deserve something good for Mother's Day!! Blessings, ~Whitney

BecauseImTheMommy said...

I pray no pregnant woman or young woman yet to have kids reads this blog. ROFLOL I completely felt your pain regarding baby #1, c-section, doctor, all of it I HATED! I completely understand why you only have the 2. BTW, I absolutely LOVE the title of your blog. I thought it was going to happen to me, until our little Princess made her appearance last year.

Kama said...

Wow, sounds pretty bad... Hopefully my story will be different, but I'm still so glad I found this Labor Day event hosted by Rocks in My Dryer! I am due in exactly 4 weeks, so I'm glad to read all these labor stories! :) Thanks for sharing!!