Thursday, October 22, 2009

Sarcastic Thanks

Since sarcasm is my native language, I have a few thank yous to share with the blogverse.

I'd like to start off by thanking mom's dog for dragging her butt all across my carpet this week. Thanks, Izzy. Because, really, keeping the carpet clean with two boys and a Labrador in the house wasn't quite enough of a challenge for me. I needed to add "Poop Scootching Skid Marks" to the list of unidentified stains. Seriously. Thanks for that.

And to Wal-Mart. Yeah--my favorite place on Earth. Hey, thanks for carrying only ONE size of the hot pink shiny snow boots--a size ten. Really. Because, it was very helpful to me tonight when I desperately searched for pink rain boots all over town for the field trip tomorrow to know that my favorite color was available, somewhere out there in the Walliverse, just not in the actual place and time and SIZE 8 where and when I needed it. It was so thoughtful of you to let me know what I was missing. I probably couldn't have slept tonight if I had thought you only carried green and orange boots. Thanks for dangling that pink booted carrot in my face and then jerking it away when I saw the size tag. Sure. Thanks for that too.

Oh, and thanks to all the parents who fully believe that I have the power to manipulate the weather and can redirect rainfall. I appreciate, also, that you have faith in my ability to predict what tomorrow's weather will be too. It's so supportive how half of you hate me because I didn't cancel the field trip and the other half of you would've hated me if I had canceled it. It feels so good knowing that, whatever decision I make, at least 50% of you will be lined up to tell me why it was the wrong one. That just warms my heart.

I also need to thank all the liars in the world who are so skilled in your trade that you actually start to believe your own lies until you're certain they're true. I admire your ability to continue to prevaricate, even when faced with undeniable proof of your untruthfulness. Wow. That takes moxie. I'd say my hat's off to you, but you'd just tell me that I wasn't wearing a hat to begin with.

Whew. I feel better. It's always uplifting to give thanks where thanks are due.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh, and may I please add my thanks to the chaperones who thought it would be a good idea to buy ice cream for their group on the field trip today. Because it was so much fun explaining to the other 76 kids why 8 kids got a treat and they didn't. Thanks for your mature, adult behavior and restraint in dealing with your own child's whiny demands. I'm sure we'll be asking you to chaperone a field trip again since you did such a banner job on this one. Really. Thanks.